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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u