The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.