I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
spicy snake