People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.