My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If only.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Bout to have the best sleep of my life