Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.