My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If a snake ate a cake
In space, no one can hear…
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
so weird how every mom was born today
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Whisper out to librarians!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What do you hear?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.