Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Hot Hot Hot
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The Birdles
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
‘I know a black person’
– White people
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve