What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.