My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.