I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
This is what makes twitter great
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time