Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
when you are just born a rebel
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Yup
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”