[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
for all #parents out there
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Employees must applaud the planets.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
✌🏽
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.