My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.