My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You Might Also Like
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
The Assassin.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged