So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho