The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You Might Also Like
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”