Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Ugh but profoundly
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?