she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose