“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.