I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.