A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.