Perfection.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
i could never be president. im overqualified.
How I’d get arrested…
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.