Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I drew y’all a little something.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.