Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
#Caturday
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…