Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
That 👊
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.