Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news