I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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My new favorite headline
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I bet
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano