Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.