Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
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Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I found your tweet-up…
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.