Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Your honor these allegations are
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball