I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.