I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?