DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
same vibe as tangled headphones
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas