running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report