If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The pasta is now
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator