pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
You better watch out
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.