Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”