(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
hmmm
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
what does he know…
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?