Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.