Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*