*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…