Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table