If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Don’t tell me what to do
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.