Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Guy who likes music
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.