Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Sunday
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?