Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
You Might Also Like
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.