I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
do u think theres a butter planet?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.