I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.