My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
@ candidates for local office
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.